Self improvement is masturbation. Now self destruction...

Suicide.

Some people hear that word and think, "that's fucked up". After all, what is it good for, other that giving psichologists a wet dream over the possibility of affording a new BMW? You might say it's pointless, true... but so is life. You eat, sleep, fuck and die. No more, no less. Animals got it right, humans (who are animals too, though fucked up and too proud to name themselves that), that's just it. Passing on the genes.

Still, humans have one thing that they don't, a need for a purpose, or at least a sense of purpose. We don't like to think that we're really just a fraction of an infinitesimal amount of a spec of dust, with a lifespan too short to be mesured and no impact what-so-ever on the universe. That and we have the ability to destroy. Consciencely destroy. And why not, the ability to destroy oneself.

I used to think that the mere thought of killing yourself was something for the weak-minded, that you'd always find a better alternative. Giving up was never the way. But the truth is, Einstein was right, everything is relative, humans included. We define ourselves by our relations with the world and others. Sometimes, they change. If that change is big enough, if something you need is suddenly gone, if you have nothing else to cling on to, you mind buckles under the weight of it all.

You snap, and when you do, when you can't see a way out, when there's nothing there for you, when there is no more hope, no reason to live... then it all seems so simple, as if the answer was always there. Not a good answer, not even a viable solution... but a way out. Something that promisses to solve all those problems, take it all away. Despair, pain, loneliness, inadequacy, hate, pressure, lack of purpose... it may all disapear, forever, with such a simple action. And it still wouldn't make sense if you were ok. But at that point, during the times when all your inner demons are tormenting you, during the times when you know that nothing you can do can help you, there it is. You can just end it all.

Cowards way out, some may say. They'd be right too. But at times, you just don't have the strength, can't find the strength to go on. Worse even, can't find a reason to even try to do so.
Some others will say that's a way to get attention. It may be so, but not for any selfish reasons. When you alone can't find something to live for, you start looking for answers elsewhere. You hope that someone around you may have the answers you seek. They'll never satisfy you, you know that. But at least you feel less lonely.
Selfish act, most will agree. Ah, enough with the bulshit, man is a selfish creature. Even our acts of alturism are done because they make us feel good about ourselves. Still, one must think of the ones we leave behind. Sometimes we can't afford to be selfish.

Truth is, when you reach that point when you think about wasting yourself, the only one who can get you out is yourself. We are born alone, we die alone. We must algo get through what happens between alone. Friends help, but you must still want to get over it. And you will. If you fight, just a bit, soon everything will be all right. We didn't get to where we are without some serious adaptability skills. Adapt ou die... and you'll adapt. This, too, shall pass away.

Then, the reasons that lead you down that path will look lesser pains, you'll begin to wonder how the got you down. Someone died, it happens. Part of life. You lost your job, you'll get a new one. Life changed, change with it. Someone left, people always drift apart. Lost the love of your life... stop being dramatic, someone else will appear. Don't like your life at the moment, change it. And it sound so easy too. The truth is, it's not about weakness. Humans are fragile. After a while, you'll stop thinking about death, about suicide. Or at least, think less about it. Things'll get better... most of the times. It'll look like a silly thought... most of the times. You'll get over it... most of the times.

Still, it never goes completely away. Not once you've thought about it. It stays there, in the back of your mind, taunting you. Know what I say? Fuck it. Everyone's got probems. If death wants ya, make it work for it. And if you really decide to end your life, take someone along. At the time you won't care, but do it. Take some fucker who's disapearence would make the world a better place. Martyrdom always sounds cooler that being the fucker who wasted himself for nothing!

On fucking 20 year old chicks when you're 40

40-something...

There will always be diferences between men and women. In terms of age and relationships, two imediatly jump to mind. Men like young chicks, women go for old men. Nature balancing itself. These diferences are accentuated after 40. you see, men at 40 can be attractive, women at that age are just... old!

So, if you're forty-something and wanto to fool around with 20 year old chicks, there's nothing easier. Follow me...

First off, you should only read this if you want an easy fuck, nothing close to a real relationship. Of course, if you're aiming at chicks that age, you already know that.

Women in their twenties are gullible. Their lives are starting, they don't know what they want and their biological clock is ticking, so they'll be looking for some form of security. Luckily, older guys already have a car, a house and a more mature look, which can easily be used to impress and show them that you're stable and reliable. Plus, you're competing with 20 year old guys, who probably have no car or a banged up one, don't look serious and seem a lot more immature by comparison. Here, you have an edge.

Now that you know that they think you are what they want, time to reinforce that idea. Just start a conversation, always about her, ask her about her problems and draw a few paralels with your life, always saying stuff like "been there", "when I was younger", "made a lot of mistakes back then" and "changed a lot from those days". This not only makes her think you give a fuck about what she says, but also implies that you're not an immature brat like the ones she's used to, you've been through a lot, have loads of life experience and are really a reliable adult now.

After you have introduced yourself as a source of security, time to move on to the relatinship zone. Most of the times, if you've done it right, they'll talk about past and current relationships automatically, looking for someone to talk to. There are two situations you can take advntage of here, if she's not dating (and if she's been fucked with in the past, it's perfect) or if she's in a long relationship (1.5+ years). In the first case, she'll have lost her faith in guys (her own age!) and you'll just have to show that you're not like those guys. In the second one, you'll just listen to her complains, advise her while sounding like you're only saying it as a friend (stuff like... "yeah, when it gets like that it's rough" or "are you sure you still feel the same way about him" and "people change..."). This'll make her trust and open up to you.

The subject of your past relationships will always come up. If you're in one and she doesn't know, lie. Either that you never found the right woman (this one can backfire), that you're divorced or better yet, that she died in a tragic accident. Chicks love to heal emotional scars. If you're not, you're probably divorced. In that case, say that you didn't marry for the right reasons, you just drifted apart, you were too young then, you had different goals, something like that. Make sure she knows that, even though somehow you feel like you should have tried harder or even tried your best, it didn't work and it wasn't your fault.
If you have kids, say you had them in an attempt to save your marriage (or at a time when you thought things would work), that you love them a lot, that their mother took custody and you can't see them as much as you'd want and that you love them a lot. That'll appeal to her maternal side.

If you've done these things correctly, she'll consider you a potential mate. If she's dating, she'll analise him and find that he has many shortcomings when compared to you (to the image of you she has, at least). She'll eventually dump him. That's when you should strike. She'll be vulnerable, feeling alone, she'll just want confide in someone... that someone'll be you. Ask her out for a coffe,talk about her and only her, how she's feeling, assure her that she did the right thing. When you leave, invite her for coffe again, maybe even a movie.

Now, if she was dating and the guy was serious about her, he'll probably try to get back together (everybody makes that mistake). If he doesn't know about you (which is probable as she won't tell that she's spent hours talking to some other guy) it's even better, everything he'll do will just be pushing her deeper and deeper into your arms (and eventually cock)! Just be there when she complains about her boyfriend, that she's alone, that she has no one to talk to and pretty soon you'll be "dating".

After this, you're game. She'll want to be with you, you'll just have to take her to some nice places (remember, impressing her with restaurants and places you know is good, you'll seem sophisticated) and pretty soon she'll be humping you like there's no tomorrow. Oh, and she'll want to experiment, 'cause you're older and know more stuff ;)

The best part about it is, even though she can be smart (smart chicks are easier to fool, incredible as it may seem) and she knows that this can never work, she'll convince herself that she can have a real, steady relationship with you, something with a future. Ok, so you are old enough to be her dad, can't maintain a relationship and have 2.4 kids... It hasn't work for any of the people she knows that have been is a simmilar situation, but it's different for her. With her, it'll work. She can learn, adapt, adjust! Just don't forget to dump her when you've had enough, they can get annoying! Like I said, easy fuck!

Why life should imitate art...

Fiction

There's a point as to why we like movies. I'd say it's for the lesbians making out and stuffing dildos on each other's orifices, but since most people define movies as porn AND other stuff (romance, sci-fi, etc.), I'll talk about why life shoule immitate most movies (and not just porn).

Happy endings... in movies, there's almost always some form of happy ending. The good guy gets the girl, the world end up being a better place, everybody has everything they want and even when there's something that would otherwise be bad, like a breakup, the characters always remain good friends and have fun.
In life, the good guy get's ignored, fucked over or cheated on, the world is always a shitty place, nobody gets anything they want and when it rains, it pours. Plus, people always find a way to fuck up anything good that might be left.

Moral ambiguity... in the movies, the good guys are good, the bad guys are bad and their actions are always in accordance to the character type they're playing. In life, the ones you consider good guys might eventually fuck you, the bad guys might help you and their actions can really be unpredictable.

Sex... well, I'll just say, good luck finding a girl willing to do a ménage à trois... and if you do, hope that you don't have any serious relationship with her, 'cause she'll, sooner on later, cheat on ya. Almost a given!

Living... the standard white picket fence, 2.4 kids, 2 BMW in the garage, a barbaqueue fizzling in the back and a hot wife who wakes you up with a blowjob. Well, you can have that in real life too, but you'll have to fuck people over to get it, your kid'll hate you, you'll have an affair with the secretary, your wife will start fucking the pool boy 'cause you don't give her any attencion and you'll eventually divorce... in which case, she gets half his shit!

Neighbours... all the next door neighbours are hot. Some even walk arouns in the buff, and with some hot bods. My neighbours are all fat, obnoxious middle-aged annoying women. At least they walk around naked!

Bars... why is it that, when there's a bar somewhere in a movie, people can actually talk to each other? Most bars I've been in are the last place you'd go to have a conversation. Actually, my theory is that they're designed that way so that poeple don't have to fake interest in all the stupid things that come out of some chicks' mouth... plus, if she has a nice rack, fuck talking.

Emotional baggage... most chicks in flicks are pretty decent, with no real emotional baggage. In real life, chicks are scared, insecure, self-centered little creatures that need to be told 15 times a day that they're not fat, even though everybody and themselves know that they're 10kg (~22lb) overweight and getting larger by the minute.

Exciting lifes... everybody ha exciting lives and adventures. Somehow, when in real life you're stuck in an office 8 hours a day, slowly waiting for death, that's when you feel like the movies are just... fake!

On the other hand... you can learn shit with life. Mostly that you should be selfish, that you can't trust anyone and that, no, not all chicks swallow and do anal!

Stupid ideas for a stupid country I - The reflector vest

Someone's car broke down today.

No big deal, cars break down all the time. If it works now, chances are it'll malfunction sometime in the future. One of thje few laws that really aplies to everything. So, why the fuck am I writing about this? You see, over here (don't know if it's only here or if it aplies to the rest of europe, and frankly, don't give a fuck), when a car breaks down or there's an accident, the driver's suposed to put on a fucking contruction worker type vest before stepping out of the vehicle.

For those of you who ask what's wrong with that, let me add that it aparently has to be done regardless of the conditions. I, as any logical person, thought that it was something you should use by nighttime or when there's low visibility... as anyone who tries to aply logic to the actions of any ruler in this fucking country, I was wrong. Acording to the law, you have to wear it regarles of being in the middle of nowhere, when it's sunny and everyone can see you for miles.

The thing is, law's supposed to be (really pay attention on the supposed part) the acceptance of rules that society believes to be in the general interest. Someone, a while ago thougt... you know, fun as it may be, this whole killing people because they piss us off may actually be a bad thing. Eventually other people agreed and so they decided to make a law out of it (that doesn't have an exception for stupid or ugly people, but hey, I wasn't consulted).

I'm sure we all agree that people should try to make themselves visible when they step out of a car... if not for anything else, they make nasty dents in yours if you happen to hit them (that's why I like old ladies, their bones are soft). Extrapolating that into "Yeah, every fucker that runs out of gas should go out dressed as a fag so that everybody can see that he fucked up" just seems stupid. And the worst part, everyone though it was a stupid idea, yet no one compleined. That's the problem with this country, people just don't complain to whom they should. There's no civil disobedience...

I mean, people bitch about stuff... in coffee shops, while waiting for the bus... and that's only it there's not any major football event going on. This World Cup, the prime minister could go up to the parliament, aprove a law that makes it illegal to take a dump, take a dump a top of someone's head after that, fling the shit around and no one would care, as long as there's football on TV. Fucking sheep.

But I digress... the point is, I'm surprised at how easy it is to make anything into a law here. That and how easy it is to divert funds without anyone actually acounting for anything. That and getting away with pedophaelia. And getting money for doing nothing... and having your whole family working for the town hall or other public instutution, bypassing normal hiring rules...

Stupid people with their stupid vests...

In the beginning there was Cash

This came to being because I just feel like I need a place to bitch about stuff and what better place is there for it than the Internet? I mean, really, If someone actually reads all this crap it's because they're willing to spend time on the wild rantings of a complete stranger, instead of actually doing something with their own life.

Since right now I'm not actually doing anything with my own, I think it's fair tht we all share our thoughts about the things people think about when they don't do crap... like "what is the purpose of life", or "if a tree falls in the woods, who the fuck cares" and the like.

Some of you may be offended by the profanity in the previous post. To those, I'd just like to say shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits.

Oh, and by the way, all opinions expressed here are absolute. You can bitch about it, but if you do, please expect to be ridiculed, ignored or just plainly insulted.

Feel free to comment!