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Diet

No, not the japanese legislature. The kind people rush to read about and try out, come the summer. The articles that populate every women's magazine there is all year long. On a side note... men's magazines make us feel like gods, women's make them feel fat and ugly. Isn't it awfully nice to have a penis?

Back on topic... The thing about this that amazes me, makes me star in awe even, is the completelly moronic bases they use to create these diets. Ranging from only foods that start with the letter H (and I'd dare any woman to try and eat an hippopotamus), to only red food or just seafish or whatever. Even the ones that do work, like Atkins', are just stupid. They work for Hollywood people because them people be dumb as shit. If you have to use your brain... well, you'll need carbon hidrates. They're energy. Remember kids, energy is good! Now go suck on a power outlet!

In any case, and even though the summer is over, I'm gonna take a whack at creating some diets that could be found (and maybe some were already published somewhere...) in magazines worldwide. The first thing to do is forget everything you ever learned about nutrition... Repeat: McDonald's is good for you, ascorbic acid is evil, ice cream doesn't make you fat. That done, try these on for size:

The grape diet.
Instead of eating, stick about 20 grapes up your cornhole using your thumb. Do this while exposes to the healing energies emitted by the microwave oven. When you become an expert, try grapefruit.

The amputation diet.
Aim for the leg. You'll lose 10 pound minimum, garanteed.

The logical diet.
Stop stuffing yourself like a pig and work out. You'll be amazed at the results.

The cheetah diet.
Feed on only live cheetas for 2 month. Catch them yourself, using your bare hands. Between the time it takes to catch them and the time you spent running from them, calculate the calories you're loosing just from running.

The maggot diet.
People would drink an esquimo's piss if they though they could get thin. Then how about something that even has it's share of protein, like maggots? 4 meals a day, acoompanied by a glass of esquimo's piss, of course.

The alphabet diet.
Eat only shit that starts with an A, the stuff that starts with a B and so on. Oh, wait, this one's real!

The sex diet.
Have plenty of it. On second though, if you're thinking about trying magazine diets, you're probably fat and ugly. Please, should you decide to try this with a guy that, if he's lucky enough, will be too drunk to remember, use protection. And remember kids, a power drill to the uterus is one of the best forms of avoiding pregnancy known to man.

The lagger diet.
For men only. Did you know that drinking a six pack of beer will actually give you six pack abs? It's true. Just tell your wife that you're doing it for her. Cleaning up your puke is a small price to pay for sleeping with a greek god like yourself.

The geek diet.
Just waste away in fron of a computer. Even though the food pyramid for a computer geek is formed by pizza, mountain dew and more pizza, they ofter forget to eat. That makes them skinny... or, if they have a good memory, largelly obese. Could go both ways, try it at your own risc.

The blog diet.
Make stupid diet posts and forget that it's past your lunch time.

Follow these simple rules, buy one of those abs workout machines that even offer a nice photoshop like editor for your after picture, and you'll be set. Pretty soon everyone will stare at you on the beach... for one reason or the other.